Slurping Life

All Events are Blessings

 Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself,

and know that everything in life has purpose.

There are no mistakes, no coincidences,

all events are blessings given to us to learn from. 

~~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Our family has been through an indescribable year, and it will not get easier anytime soon. Still, we are sticking like glue...together...and it is a constant struggle not to fall apart.

And...

I would not exchange my life for yours or his or hers or theirs or anyone's.

November is National Adoption Month, and I almost missed posting about it. As a mother by birth and adoption, I highly recommend either and both. There is no distinction in love between a child born of or for a mother and father because parenting is rooted in the heart, not the womb.

♡♡♡♡

Hey boys, just in case you ever find this blog and read your mother's ramblings, I want to tell each of you...

I thank God for the gift of you, and I love you completely, always.

ox Mom

A Baby on the Way

It's not now or never 

It's not black & it's not white 

Anything worth anything 

takes more than a few days 

& a long, long night

~Deb Talan

The words above were recently discovered and led me to these lyrics...

Every one of us an orphan

Our bodies born from dust of the stars.

We can comfort each other in this place

I can look into your eyes 

And see my own face.

~~Deb Talan

Heartfelt gratitude for each of you, my friends, who during recent months have shared words, prayers, hugs and love in comments and emails.

~~~

I will be back here soon.

There is so much to tell you

about

struggle

despair

almost giving up

survival of a family

and

a baby on the way.

First, I just need a little sleep.

ox❤

Melody

Boy to Your Left

Appearances

You appear in

This world

Like a seed

Taking in the

Experiences

Of the material

Body

Which you later

Have to present

To the world

As a certificate

Of worth

But nobody

Knows the 

Certificate of the

Soul

The muscle of

The soul

Whether

Weak or strong

Has to swim

And nobody

Knows

How easy or hard

It is for you

And in your best

You are judged

And pushed

And ripped

Forgetting

How difficult

Or easy

It is for this person

In the soul

Of experiences

Not in the appearances

~~Moeze Lalji

Living Under Water

I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense.

~~Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

~~~

needing to journal

yet having no words

i borrow words

~~~

I am reading your comments and emails.

"thank you"

♥

Days of Letting Go

"We are discharging him today. We have never had a child whose chemistry is as resistive to any and all medications as is his. We have never worked with a child who is completely unresponsive to all therapeutic interventions as he is. Our best wishes and prayers go with you."

As I prepare to let go of our family as we know it...I am hanging on for dear life, fists clenched in a white knuckle grip.

Heartbreak. Loss. Devastation.

What does a parent do when the doctors, therapists and medications of last resort fail?

I will never be the same.

We will never be the same.

He will never be the same.

God, how does a mother find the strength to make the decision to let go?

How will my child survive?

My mother recently told me that the best decision is not always the easiest one. Doing what is necessary to help someone [who lives with mental illness] that you love with all you have within your heart and soul can be death to your own soul. That this is worse that physical death because in the end...at some point...physical death brings resolve, eventually peace. Mental illness often finds neither.

She has lived this...the impossible decision and the death. She has hurt.

I must trust her words.

I must trust God.

Still.

I can't do it.

My beautiful child should not have to live this.

My fists are clinched in a white knuckle grip...

...not able to let go...

...not able to hold on.

~~~

Away.