Together

I'll not share my completed art journal page.  It was created in moments of deep, personal despair...just too dark and ugly to share...too raw.  But it's creation was necessary and allowed me to come unwrapped...then re-wrap the package of me with pretty paper.

Trust.  What I know about trust is that at this moment mine does not extend beyond God and myself.  Honestly, I thought that I could not trust myself, but clearly I can and should.

This week's Wrapped Emotions project really is not difficult for me...I am well-aware of each of my fears and I slay them daily.  My place of trust is within myself with my faith. My ritual of renewing that trust is found in calming moments of the night, embracing the quiet beauty of creation which surrounds me in what is my time of peace. 

This week the calming moments of my nightly renewal have stopped.  There's been no time to commune with the peace of the night, and it's because I failed to trust myself...what a mother knew about her child.  I gave in to the trusting of doctors, again, and am left with the ache, the guilt, the tears as I have watched my child pay the price of my trust...in someone else.

During the past two weeks I have been brought to a breaking point more times that I can count.  Even to the point of believing life for me could not go on...not one day more.  I hurt so hard, so deeply for my child that the grief was too much to bear....at least I thought it was too much... 

Then my child's eyes met mine...his tears flowed in unison with mine...his heart beat in a rhythm of pain with mine...his words blended in harmony with mine..."I love you"...

A new ritual begins.  Nightly, as sleep fails to embrace my child, I trust my soul.  As only a mother can, I wrap my heart and arms around my child...stroke the precious head of fear...kiss the salty tears of pain.  Together, we will fear.  Together, we will trust.

Comments

[Jess]

My eyes are tearing up. Thank you for loving your child like that.

[Momo Fali]

That was beautiful. I can feel your pain. I pray your hearts will someday beat in sync with happiness and laughter, and that the tears you kiss will be those of joy.

[Lynnae @ From Under the Clutter]

Thank you for sharing. The key here is together. Together, you, your child, and God will get through this. Your child is blessed to have you as a mom. Yes, you're going to make mistakes, but God will cover them. The important thing is that you love your child as much as you do.

[phyllis]

may your own power and strength be a blessing to you, and may you find the courage to use them always, with the trust that you are right and good. your love just leaps off the screen, i can feel it from your words. keep holding your child and knowing your own power. thank you for your post.

[EA]

Words fail me, completely. It takes such faith, such openness, to move through, and it so sounds like you are doing it.

[Christina]

(((Melody))) Your pain pains me. Your openess inspires me.

[natalie]

Melody,

I am going to my knees in prayer for you right now...for you and your boy and the effect this is having on your other boys, including the husband. You are SO strong, even in weakness. Let us hold you for a moment, even in cyberspace, to help you bear the burden. Lifing you up, my friend, lifting you up.

Love,
Nat

[Tammy and Parker]

I'm sending you all the love your heart can hold.

[diana/sunshine]

this makes my heart break. i am so sorry you and your precious little boy are in so much pain. my prayer is that as you wrap your arms around him and he feels your love, that you also feel God's arms around you and His love pouring over the both of you.

[Cari]

Melody -

I'm so sorry for all that you and yours are going through. Keeping all of you in my prayers and knowing that God will be holding you in his hands.

[Nesting Momma]

I'm sorry your son's pain is so deep and yours as well. I pray as I write that the Lord goes into those deep places of pain and brings some peace that only He can bring. God is in the valley where your son lives . I pray he is able to see, feel glimpses of the light that would give him hope in the dark place he lives. Bless him and you! I know too well....

[HolleeAnn]

all i have is a HUG...i hope you feel it!

[Angie]

Oh friend, when one member of the body suffers, the whole body suffers. I ache with you. Joining my bros and sisters in prayer for you, your boys, and family. Praying God's peace and comfort will move into every need. Truly, love covers over a multitude of problems. Keep loving. Keep trusting. His grace is sufficient.

[AngelNicki]

That is a lot for you, and especially your little guy, to be going through! I wish there was something I could do to help you all out!

[Kyla]

I'm new here...but wow. You amaze me. This was beautiful and painful. What overwhelming love.

[Eva]

You have helped me today with your beautiful truth, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Kim]

I have tears of my own as I read this. I have had the worries and fears of a mother torn apart recently too. I am glad that you found your trust in yourself again. Continue to hold tight to your son and get through whatever it is together! I am sorry that it was such a hard, painful week for you. You and your family are in my prayers.

Kim @ TheBitterBall

[Stacy]

Melody, I have such emotion for you and your boy. I don't know the depth of what you are going through, but know that there are friends out in cyberspace that are pulling and praying for you and your family. Bunches of (((((hugs))))).

[sara]

:*( this post took away the vail i hide behind

i have bipolar and sometimes i think people hate me for it

my little boy is adhd, he's been in school 24 days and his teacher already hates him, she says he wont stop talking, he wont stay on task, he screams in the bathroom, he "jerks (her words)" things out of other kids hands, he's come home from school 4 times on green, 2 times on black, the others were a mixture of yellow and red, and she has already told me if this continues he will fail kindergarden.

why im even saying this is that i know that guilt, my little boy still wasnt even saying mama when he was 2, but i kept trusting my doctor, and when i finally gave up and moved on i found out what i had a pretty good idea with for some time, he couldn't hear. surgery was done, he need another, but his speach is so far behind, people understand his 2 year old brother much better

and then dylan can count to 10, alex cant, dylan's saying most of his abc's alex cant...im so tired of watching alex struggle to do what his younger brother does so effortlessly, and im so alone in how to help alex.

sorry so sorry this is so long, i just wanted to tell you, (im ramboling) that i understand. cause i do

[Childlife]

Tears fall freely as I write this - I cannot stop them. I gasped aloud at your pain of trusting a doctor when your heart told you to do otherwise. An old, familiar and heart-wrenching pain of my own. I have known it more than once, and it such a desperately hard one to let go of, leading you to desperate thoughts. It shrouds in an oppressive sense of ultimate failure bordering on betrayal and it is so very nearly impossible to find within yourself forgiveness for it.

Three words just leaped from your post... "... not one day more..." So often I have said, thought those same words. Begged God, "Please... not one day more!"

I pray for you, dear Melody, the same prayer that I pray for my own heart: That you will find healing and forgiveness within yourself, that you will be able to build on each perceived failure (which really aren't failures at all) to trust what you know with an iron-clad stability, that each morning will bring renewed joy and courage to face what lies ahead. Thank so very much for sharing - the world seems a suddenly much less lonely place to me.

[Jenny is Live & in Color]

I admire you for being able to express your pain in word and art. Thank you for allowing us in so that we can share your burden. You are truly a lovely woman. Your pain makes me cry and drives me to beg God to give you favor.

[Jen @ One Moms World]

Melody, I look up to you so much. You posts are full of emotion and you can just tell how much of an awesome mom you are to your boys. It warms my heart so much!!

[Mandy]

Oh my gosh, Melody, that was so heart wrenching, it brought tears to my eyes. I've always felt we need to trust ourselves when it comes to our kids. We know them best, and instinctively know what's best for them. Thank you for sharing this. It is so personal and honest. (((Sending hugs)))
btw...beautifully written, you have a gift with words.

[Julie @ the Surrendered Scribe]

I want to say something so perfect, so eloquent that will encourage and help you this season. All I have is a promise----God will not lead you around the fire, He will lead you through it. You are not alone. I am praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart so deeply with us.