At Which Point The Seams Unravel

In one moment
the togetherness
that was me
has come undone.
No longer loosening
one stitch at a time.
Rather,
every seam
has unraveled.
The garment that once
clothed my composure
has come undone.
My soul lies naked.
There is no cover
to
warm
me.

The phone call came Thursday afternoon.  We now have a new doctor on our roster...a Pediatric Cardiologist.  I literally came unraveled.  It was as though someone pulled loose that last dangling thread that was holding me together.

I had not planned on a phone call revealing my Wrapped Emotions project this week.  When Phyllis, our guest blogger, posted her intriguing project, I knew what I would do. 

But I don't care what you use (the ideas above, or paper or fabric is fine or even cookies if you'd like - the sky's the limit)...break something or cut something or separate something and then put it all back together into a new and beautiful whole. Breaking something changes it, perhaps irreparably, but it gives us a new opportunity, a new chance, a new beginning, to create something different and something whole.

(You should read the entire post.)

But then literally, I became unraveled by the one more thing, the one more diagnosis, the one more problem placed in our family's life.  One more issue with which my child must deal. One more issue with which our family must deal.  I never try to explain here how truly difficult it is navigating and nurturing the needs of my sons.  It is so tiring to live it, emotionally and physically, that I can't even think about delving deeply into words of explanation.  Plus I do not like to whine...yet, here I am, whining.

I took my favorite t-shirt and cut it up.  I sloppily brushed gesso across a page of my art journal.  I pressed the irregular squares of pink fabric into the gesso, leaving my fingerprints on each one.  When I finished I noticed that down the center was the seam of the T-shirt...cut, broken, but almost together...almost together.  This was unintentional, done without thought.  Seeing it made we wonder.  Will our life always be "almost together"?

I honestly don't know how to feel right now.  I can't even cry.  I want to disappear.  Is this how it feels to lose one's mind?

Comments

[EA]

I see your pieces there. Especially the ones with the seam down the middle. It looks like a spinal column to me. The vertebra have space between them, just the right amount of cushion they need between each other, in that moment, on that page.

[Erinne]

Oh Melody. The biggest and warmest hugs to you and all your family. I'm so sorry that you must now have to learn all the ins and outs of a new health problem. If there was anything I could do for you I would. The only thing I can offer is something very close and personal to me and that is that I have congenital heart disease. Although I'm sure my troubles are different than that of your sons but I have had 3 heart surgeries and one that has not been done yet but was required at one point but seems to be at bay currently. If you have any questions that I can help with in anyway please don't hesitate to ask. I will be praying for and thinking of you all! :)

Erinne

[Jenn]

As always it's to little, as always I wish there was more - but all I can offer is a ((((HUG)))) that wraps itself all the way around you, from your head to your toes, and prayers - many prayers....

I wish....there was more....

[Kim]

One more thing to get through is one more thing to bring you closer. The "almost together" is really leading you all to the totally together. You will get there. Imagine if this child had not been brought into your life. Who would help hold him together then? I tell myself daily (and i will tell you now) love is glue and it makes a family stick together.

[LeeJo]

Huggin' the daylights out of you, but I can't hug you back together.

I told my mom about your cussing aspie today, and laughed out loud again.

[natalie]

No, that's how it feels when life overwhelms you...when you have a miscarriage, in my case. Disappearing was exactly what I wanted to do...and tried to do, without much success.

I'm so very, very sorry that you have to add another thing to the list of "things" you already balance in your life. We'll sew you back together, just let us know when.

Love,
Me

[Maddy]

Oh dear. I know [think?] how that feels, the one more thing.
Best wishes

[Lynnae @ From Under the Clutter]

I'm there with you this week, for completely different reasons. I pray that God would bless you with His peace that surpasses all understanding as you adjust to this new bend in the road we call life. ((hugs))

[dawnz:)]

Melody,
I'm so sorry. ((HUGS))
d

[Sarah @ Real Life]

Melody. I am so sorry. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I will pray for you and your family. While I don't know what to say to help you right now, He does.

[Sheila / Kiki36]

Oh Melody, I am so sorry that you have been given this bad news. You are understandably overwhelmed. It is my hope and prayer that you could get a few moments of peace to catch your breath, a few moments to feel more than just "almost together".

[Angie]

Anything I can think to say seems inadequate. Sending love and care your way. Praying for you and your family and that God's power will be perfected in any weakness you may be feeling right now. God bless you, friend.

[Jenny is Live & in Color]

I love your poem and your creation. I don't relate to your situation, but I know your pain. It seems like there is always "one more thing" after what was already the breaking point.

{{{HUGS}}}

[Jen]

Hugs. I'll be thinking of you guys.

[Jenny-up the hill]

I can relate and my heart is just breaking for you right now. I completely understand that feeling of "almost together" and I think your poem says it perfectly. My prayers will be with you...

[Tammy and Parker]

Sending you huge hugs. We soo need to talk again.

You know you guys are always in our prayers.

[To Think is to Create]

Ugh. I hate to hear it, and I know you hate to live it. Peace to you.

`Arianne

[Nesting Momma]

Oh, Melody. I have been praying not knowing what the "added" problem was. I have been on my knees actually. I knew it was big...just know even if you feel like you are loosing your mind....He has it, God knows right were it is. I lost mine (literally) but found it again. I am crying writing this...I don't know your struggles. They are different than mine. But I do know emotional exhaustion, pain...
Will continue praying!!Give that boy a big "We" hug!A big (hug) for you too. As I say to my friend across the miles..I am hugging you!! Can you feel it??

[childlife]

Melody -

I just wanted you to know that you're not out there on your own, alone, with no one to care whether your sanity holds or snaps. I care and I'm praying. I know this very ache so well... reading your post traces a finger over the wound and I literally shudder with the shared pain.

I couldn't do the WE this week. I just couldn't. Every time I tried, I just ended up in tears and there have been enough of those around here the past few weeks. So even though I sat this one out, know that I know where you are living right now. That as often as I am praying for my own family over this brand of heartache, I am praying for yours as well. (I'll send you a separate email)

Much Love,

Michelle

[Brittany]

I'm late on this... But I felt like I needed to tell you that you are NOT whining. If anything I am a whiner when I complain about how busy I am or Matthew waking up once or twice in the night. I really have no room to complain about anything- my boys are healthy and my life doesn't have many snags. Then I see a person and family, as strong and as overcoming as yours, and I can just see the strength and love. You're an amazing woman, and you are NOT a whiner. You are a woman who loves your family and it's ok to express your concerns and feelings- that's your right as a mommy.

[phyllis]

Melody...may your courage and strength continue to guide you. You are truly inspiring and incredible. I am so proud and impressed that you were able to channel your fear and worry and pain into these beautiful words. Please know that you are not alone and you are NOT whining. Sharing your life and your pain to find community and comfort is not whining. My prayers are with you and your family.

[Melissa]

Oh wow Melody. I appreciate you sharing your pain and you and your family are in my prayers. I don't know what you are dealing with exactly - but I do know how scary the whole Pediatric Cardiologist, child's heart can be. I hope that you are able to find a bit of peace soon.

[Christina]

Melody, God does not give us more than we are capable of bearing...and even as much as you already have been carrying, God sees the strength in you and knew you could carry a bit more. I ache for you and the pain you are feeling, the difficult blows that have been dealt to you one after another. But I am also in awe of your strength and love and faith, the beautiful words with which you express your innermost feelings. I hope you know what an inspiration you are. And I hope you know that if there were anything I could do to ease your burden, I would do it in a moment. *hugs!*

For what it's worth, I have a serious heart condition and yet I still live a full and normal life. I pray the same will be true of your boy.

[Jen @ One Moms World]

Melody... I want to just jump right through the computer screen and give you a BIG (((HUG))).

I always live by the saying when life throws you lemons then go make lemonade. Hang in there hun, but I know its not easy so I am not even going to say so.

We are always here for ya!!!

[Marie]

So sorry to hear this Melody. You are all in my prayers. Life can be so very tough. My baby boy has just been tested for being bi-polar. He's almost 19. He says he just wants to feel normal. As a mom it is so hard to see your children suffer from anything. I know that you, like me, would gladly take on all their illnesses and problems just so that they could be free of them. It's too bad we can't do that. My faith carries me daily.

[diana/sunshine]

it's monday and i'm now just reading this. i've even read snuggled in bed first, so i know how you were feeling on sunday. but i can't leave this post without commenting.

and yet, anything i would say seems so inadequate. your description of unraveling hits a chord with me and i wish i could just give you a hug.

you will be in my prayers.

[Stacy]

Oh, Melody...big huge virtual ((((HUGS))). As usual, your works are touching, your project soulful. Do not think of yourself as whining...you are sharing your heart with us. And we are here to listen and offer words of encouragement. Prayers for your family.

[Maya]

Melody you are such an inspiration...have I said this before? Not only by being the mother that you are but also by being so open and honest about it. Sending hugs and prayers your way!

[Killlashandra]

Life does tend to catch us when we least expect it too. I hope everything will be ok and am sending you virtual hugs too, like so many people before me.

Someone commented that your mosaic reminded them of the vertebre and I can see that too. The spine is strong and supports all, however, every now and then it needs to rest too and maybe the spaces in between are reminding you not that you are not whole but that maybe you need to take a breath and pause. Bring yourself back together.

I like your piece, straight from the heart with an edginess about it. Things work out, even through the pain, I've been there too.

Remember, frowning takes more muscles than smiling and smiling is what you need right now. : )

[Carrie]

Melody, God will give you the grace and the mercy that you need to get thru one more day...and one more...and one more and then there will be a day that Mac...or one of the other boys will look at you and they'll tell you thank you momma for always helping me out...and it may not be HERE in this life...but when you get to Heaven, they'll all be healthy and they'll all know they would have never made it without you and God...(((HUGS)))

[Sara]

i know

i know how it is to be floored, torn, lost.

i'm there right now for reasons i'm not even sure i can blog about. its just too much, everything together is just too much.

but, your not alone, in your fear, you inability to feel, i know, im there.

[Mama Luxe]

My little girl was born with a heart defect and had open heart surgery at three months'. She will need a replacement valve at some point, too.

There are lots of families and people who have heart conditions out there to provide support if you need it.

It seems as if the news just keeps coming, but your love for your family is evident and that will keep all of you holding on together.

My prayers are with you and your family.

[Julie @ the Surrendered Scribe]

In times like this, I wish you handed in something less than brilliant so it could mean a "boring" week for you with no inspiration.

You have been in my prayers. Beyond the promise I keep feeling that He leads you not around the fire, but through it, I also say this---He gives you these things because in eternity, when these things are done, restored and I believe understood---you'll see the crown you get to give the King. And it won't be from Burger King.

Hoping you are held up on all sides as you deal with the things in the here and now.

[TaunaLen]

Melody,
I am far behind on reading and comments. But I want you to know I began praying for you as soon as I read this post. Be strengthened with joy, my friend, joy that makes no sense in the world. It will come to you.

~TaunaLen