Sometimes I simply lose my mind and take the boys shopping. In my defense it is impossible to buy shoes for the boys without them...in a store...with me...trying on shoes...in a store...with me...
Me: "Boys, we have to get new shoes for you guys, but first we'll grab a bite to eat."
Mac: "I'm not hungry. I won't eat. Not even cookies."
Lee: "I bet we're going to R*by Tuesday. I don't like anything there."
Me: "Yes, we are, and quite frankly I don't care if either of you eat. You just watch me eat."
Wil: "I'll eat. I'm real hungry."
WHACK!
[sounds of gagging and choking follow...mixed with under-breath laughter]
WHACK! [again]
Lee has whacked Wil, apparently for theoretically siding with me...mom...the mortal enemy of a thirteen year old boy. Then when I reprimanded Lee, Mac laughed and, of course, Lee whacked him....while, Wil snuggly placed his hands around Lee's neck. They all, of course, fell into a wrestling dog pile. I, of course, watched and waited until they were finished.
We have yet to walk out the door of our home. Fast forward, we are now in the SUV on our way to the restaurant...Lee the lone occupant of the third row seat...Mac and Wil in the second row seats.
Wil: "I need to go the the driver's license office and take my driving test now."
Me: "What are you talking about? You're ten years old."
Mac: "Mom, mom what's green, creamy and covered with chocolate?"
Wil: "Now! I must take my driver's test right now. Then I want to buy a car."
Me: "Mac, I have no idea. Wil, you're talking foolishly. We're going out to eat and buy shoes."
Wil: "You don't understand. I have to take my driver's test now."
Mac: "Mom?"
Me: "What, Mac?"
Mac: "I asked you a riddle. What's green, creamy and covered with chocolate?"
Wil: [mutters] "Now"
Me: "Hmmmm...I don't know, Mac. What?"
Mac: "A snot-fudge sundae."
Did I mention we're on our way to dinner? Yum-o.
Lee: "Mom, Mac brought that joke book with him. I am not going to listen to his dumb jokes while I eat dinner.
Me: "No problem. You don't like the food where we're going, so you won't be having dinner. Remember?"
Lee: "hurrmph"
Wil: [is growling like an angry bear]
Mac: "Mom, mom, why did Ms. Dibbles put a stick of dynamite in her trunk?"
Lee: [groans] "Shut-up, Mac!
Me: "Lee, we do not tell people to shut-up."
Lee: "Mac, be quiet before I punch you."
Mac: "Just in case she had to blow up a flat tire."
Wil: "Mooooooom!
Me: "Wil, you are ten years old. You have never even driven a car. You...
Wil: [squirms while shoving his hand deep into his jeans' pocket...then interrupts me while waving cash in the air] "I am going to the driver's license testing place and tell the people I will pay them $4 if they will let me take the driving test."
Me: "Wil, I don't think a State employee can be bribed with $4. Besides, you don't have a ride to the place, and we are not going to talk about this anymore tonight. Okay, guys, we're here. You know how to behave at dinner, and there will be serious consequences for anyone who breaks the rules. Boys, indicate you hear me."
[in unison]: "Yes, m'am."
Again, fast forward. Dinner went well...only the usual get your hands off my food; burp/belch; I'm still hungry; did you see that fire truck that went by (while adjusting the window blinds); I'm still hungry; I feel like I'm going to barf; Mac, why are you holding your glass with your elbows?; No, we are not going to the driver's license place; Oh server...I'd like another plate of food (from the two who weren't going to eat); uh-oh...ma'am, could we have extra napkins, please?. You know, the usual meal.
Yet, on their way out of the restaurant an older couple stopped by our table and commented "What handsome, well-behaved boys you have."
Huh? "Uh, thank you. Have a good evening." I wanted to asked if their hearing aid batteries needed replacing and if their eye wear prescriptions were up-to-date. I suppose a mom's superhero hearing and x-ray vision pick up a lot more than those of the average stranger. Thank goodness for the kindness of hard-of-hearing, vision-impaired people. They gave me renewed strength to trudge forward toward the goal of purchasing new shoes for the boys.
Gratefully, the drive to the store was brief.
I will not drag out the dialog of shopping for shoes in the mega-sporting goods store, but I remember saying...hearing...
- No, you may not get roller blades in place of shoes.
- Please get your shoe out of the ball bin.
- Sorry, the driver's license place is closed.
- Where's Mac? Mac?
- Put that cue stick back where you got it.
- Gross, oh man, gross!
- What!? Is it illegal to fart?
- Did you turn that thing on?
- No, we will not be purchasing rifles with scopes.
- Where did you get that boxing glove?
- Maybe next time we'll buy a heavy bag (punching bag).
- No, until then you may not use use brother's face.
- The driver's license place is closed.
- Get out of that gun safe.
- Where's Wil? Wil?
- No, you may not get a trampoline in place of shoes.
- Stop, you're head is going to get stuck in there.
- I thought Dad was meeting us here?
- Yeah, me, too. I'll call him.
- Sorry. Excuse us.
- Could someone stick me with a needle that puts me to sleep cause this is boring.
- How I wish I had such a needle.
- You may not play disc golf inside the store.
- I don't know how you decide whether or not you like disc golf unless you try it before you buy it.
- [to a store employee] Hi, could you help us. His shoe lace is caught in the elliptical.
- Where's Lee? Lee?
- Help! Over here...in this tent. Help! The zipper's stuck.
- Thanks, mom.
We made our way to the shoe department, found shoes for all, headed for check-out and as I swiped a rectangular piece of plastic through the contraption...
Mac: "Mom, mom, what is invisible and smells like bananas?"
Me: "I have no idea."
Mac: "Monkey burps."
Lee: "Dork."
Wil: "Tomorrow, I'm taking my driving test."
I smiled, gathered my little apes, and all the way home I heard a small, quiet voice calling my name.
Heard any voices this week?
