Afraid To Write The Words
Afraid to write the words. Once you write the words they are real. Other people may read them. Then you have to own them. Then you are known by the words.
The sobs come and leave slowly and come again until I fall asleep. I miss the comfort of my bed, but it seems wrong to take this noisy sorrow there. So sleep comes on the sofa...alone, where no one will be disturbed. Wake, muddle through the day, repeat.
It has been years in the making. The realization that my words have not agreed with my heart. In reality my heart has been in mourning for years. It was only a few days ago that my mind, my body and my heart - together - awakened to the truth. Mourn...
...then move forward.
I love my children. I pray for them...for me...for us...that their limitations strengthen them...that they not be limited by my limitations.
We move forward...just like always...
...with hope
...with love...
...with tears...
...with laughter...
...and did I mention...
...love?
We're good...thanks for asking.
Life ebbs and flows like the ocean. Some highs, some lows . . . the end being a masterpiece written on and orchestrated by the hands of the great Master of all. I trust in Him in all things and the strength and joy I find in that helps to carry me through all my highs and lows. Glad you are good. My prayers are answered it seems. :-)
Posted by: Marie | May 02, 2008 at 02:41 AM
If anyone is going to limit those boys it is unlikely to be you. Doesn't make it any easier to live with the knowledge that they may have to live with limitations.
Grief though is a healing emotion. It sounds like you are experiencing a functional response to what is the reality of life.
Glad you're working through it....
Posted by: arizaphale | May 02, 2008 at 08:16 AM
I hope that your coming nights are filled with the peace of restful sleep.
Posted by: Maggie | May 02, 2008 at 08:54 AM
You will move forward...with lots of love.
Posted by: Melissa | May 02, 2008 at 10:09 AM
I totally understand this note from your heart.
Totally.
Praying for peace and boundless opportunities.
Posted by: Tammy and Parker | May 02, 2008 at 10:22 AM
I am sorry you are hurting and I understand your words. I am praying for you.
Posted by: Angela @ Becoming Me | May 02, 2008 at 11:29 AM
Praying for you. Letting it be real is the only way you can truly "move on".
Posted by: Sara | May 02, 2008 at 01:33 PM
I love your honesty. Hurt is so raw and stings so bad but you sharing it with others makes it a tad bit easier for someone else. Thank you.
Posted by: Maya | May 02, 2008 at 03:16 PM
I don't have enough words to express the pain I feel reading your 'confession'...do you honestly think that you are not allowed to feel the way all people would? Why? Because you have Christ to help you? That's not a good reason. Jesus, himself, sobbed, so hard the tears were described as BLOOD in the garden knowing what he was about to do. If we were supposed to suck it up and not have "normal" human emotions then our model of how we are to live would not have secluded himself in the garden, he would have been out ministering to the last few that he could reach. But no, he wasn't. He was on His face, seeking God, and sobbing. My friend, I know you only through this computer screen but I ache for you right now, I am crying as I am typing knowing that sometimes we feel that we are supposed to be the strong ones. We are not. He is. And I have to step back myself and remember that. Then I can cry.
*hugs*
Posted by: Carrie | May 02, 2008 at 03:21 PM
In my thoughts and especially my prayers.
Posted by: Gezina Shaw-Butler | May 02, 2008 at 04:59 PM
Wow. Your words are always so profound and touch a part of me deep inside.
Posted by: Christina | May 02, 2008 at 11:39 PM
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for your honesty, and sharing your heart.
Posted by: Carey | May 03, 2008 at 01:32 PM
Melody-
Your heart for your children is beautiful and your words are an encouragement to me.
Thank you.
Posted by: Christy | May 03, 2008 at 09:20 PM
I'll pray, too. Beautiful post. Thanks for taking the risk.
Posted by: Half-Past Kissin' Time | May 04, 2008 at 10:27 AM
I wish I had the words. Please know I think of you often.
Posted by: casual friday everyday | May 04, 2008 at 08:41 PM
Thank you for opening your heart - I know I have been in that place.
At the risk of taking away from the elegance of your beautiful words, I wanted to share with you a phrase coined by a friend of mine for these ups and downs of mourning and moving on, rejoicing and then mourning again. She calls it the "cyclical suck" - because sometimes it really sucks that we have to deal with this and that our kids have to deal with this, and then sometimes it is okay and then sometimes we see the beauty in something we experience that we might not have experienced or noticed before.
Blessings to you and the boys.
Posted by: WherestheBox | May 05, 2008 at 12:13 AM
I know there is always love in your heart and family. Your tough times are so tough right now and I feel for your tears. I'm glad you can write that you're good. I hope this low point moves upward with grace and compassion.
Posted by: killlashandra | May 05, 2008 at 10:53 AM
Crying...and thinking of you and your sweet family. WOW. Thanks for opening up your heart. You rock on sister!
Posted by: white trash mom | May 07, 2008 at 12:14 AM