Honeysuckle Angels

The vine...damn the vine.  It creeps back into my life, slowly, lusciously growing over the fence into my yard...into my life...into my memory.  Honeysuckle. 

Long ago...a little girl sits huddled, cradled deep inside a cold, wet ditch clutching her infant sister.  Safe.  My job is to keep her safe.  Crying.  The memory is too strong.  Why?  Why does mama stay with daddy?  The honeysuckle smells so sweet.  Angels must smell like this.  Is it honeysuckle or angels hovering over me?  God, please let it be angels...

Last evening...we sit on the steps of the deck, the honeysuckle vine creeps over the fence into our back yard...

"Mom" says Lee.

"What, sweetie?"

"Will it always be this hard?"

"Will what always be this hard?"

"My life" he responds.

"Probably."

"Mom, I'm not sure I can do this."

"I'm sure that you can."

"But I'm not sure that I want to" he says while walking away.

Deep within me a voice whispers "neither am I"...and the scent of honeysuckle blossoms takes me back to my childhood...as my son walks away from his.

A strong breeze continues to blow the scent of honeysuckle blossoms across my face...or is it the aroma of angels?  God, please let it be angels.

Living in a FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) family is like being a real-life crash dummy.  The entire family is belted into a car without a steering wheel.  Then we're sent zinging down the FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) lane, on an expressway without lines or signs, hurtling over the speed limit and out of control, denting fenders on either side, sometimes crashing over the medium, hitting other cars, or smashing into a concrete wall.  We stumble out of the accident, but before we can pull ourselves together we are belted into the car again and sent off on yet another scary trip, driven by an unseen, sinister force.  ~Bonnie Buxton, author, Damaged Angels

Teen girls...women of child-bearing age...if you are having sex without birth control, you are planning a pregnancy.  If you are having sex without birth control while consuming alcoholic beverages...you are planning a pregnancy which will result in a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. 

Bottom line...there is no safe amount of alcohol during pregnancy.  We'll talk more about his later.

This is important.  I can tell you first-hand. My three sons by the gift of adoption live with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders.  Permanent brain damage for life.  There is not a more devastating birth defect.  It is a preventable birth defect.

Questions about fetal alcohol spectrum disorder?  Please ask.

Comments

[Maggie]

I think this might be one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. What an important thing to raise awareness about, and I don't think anyone could do it more beautifully than you.

[Jen @problem girl]

I wish every woman who even considers drinking while pregnant could read this. So many people seem to think it's no big deal but maybe if they could see first hand the effect it has, maybe they would see what a big deal this is after all.

Hard to say though. A member of my husband's family drank through her entire pregnancy and when her son was born he had a variety of health problems including a serious heart condition. He never saw his third birthday but his mother to this day insists that drinking while pregnant is ok. I actually can't be around her.

Wow, way to spill my guts all over the internet huh?

[Angela]

Melody, what a beautiful post! I had no idea that your beautiful children were adopted, much less that they were born with FAS. What a great message to get out there!!! I hope many read this and remember what you've said.

[Bahama Mama]

This is a lovely post Melody. Very timely for me. Thank you.

[Stacy]

As usual, your words moved me.

My wonderful cousin adopted a child whose mother drank and did drugs during her pregnancy. She later reformed and became one of his caregivers at a daycare and saw firsthand what she did to this child. They think that eventually he will need to be in a home, as he getting almost too big for my cousin to handle him when he has his outbursts. She said she will care for him as long as she is able, because she loves him. *sniff*

Is it so much to ask a person to stop drinking while they are pregnant? It's just one of many sacrifices that you have to make for your children - all well worth it.

[Jenn]

WOW Melody - your words more powerful than ever - Amazing Melody

[Sara]

You have stolen all my words. I am speechless. Thank you.

[Donna]

Melody so beautiful and important. Thank you for being a voice behind for and this issue!

[Christina]

What a beautiful poignant powerful post, on an importatn subject!

[phyllis]

may your words travel far and wide, may they inspire others, may your deeds bear fruit. you are truly a blessing, melody. thank you.

[Stacey]

Melody, you are awesome at providing your readers a clear message, with emotion and substance... Thank you...

I only wish I had the guts to share this with one of my family, who thinks that a little wine once in a while is okay...

These children are precious in God's sight, why can't we as Mothers...
make sure They are
especially Special and
unharmed in OUR sight?!

Okay... now I have tears in my eyes..

[Birdie]

Wow...powerful. My cousin I grew up with is adopted and is suspected to have this. We were always very close. He is my age now. Today he's man in his thirties, in and out of jail, addicted to heroin. He's just lost all his teeth. At this moment he is in the hospital with his vital organs beginning to shut down due to a massive infection around his heart; infection attained through the latest heroin injection. His life has been very hard for him and the family, struggling with addictions and problems of every sort. Your warning to young women is very wise and well put. I'll be telling my Sissy those very things when the time is right.

[Half-Past Kissin' Time]

I see these kids in my classroom all the time. It's heartbreaking. One of them is a gifted athlete, but because of his emotional/behavioral disabilities, he ends up getting kicked off of every team. I know that he could accomplish something (maybe even a scholarship) had he been given up for adoption and raised with people who have something to offer. It's so frustrating to see him going through this. There but for the grace of God go my own children....

[Brittany]

Perfectly said! PERFECT. I hope there are women who read this, and think twice about making a terrible mistake- if they are considering to do so.

[Marie]

My sister has four children, all of whom were conceived and gestated while my sister imbibed all sorts of alcohol and drugs. Combine the results of that with a set of parents that come from the lazy school of parenting and you have a nightmare beyond most people's understanding. Your kids are very lucky to have you and your husband at the helm Melody. I wish women would wake up to what they are doing to their unborn children. Your message rings loud and true Melody. I wish all young women would have a chance to read it.

[Val]

I just love reading your words, Melody. xo

[Mandy]

so heartbreaking.....you're an amazing mom, stay strong

[pickel]

Thank you so much for this post. I always wonder what is going on in my son's head and I hope that he will get to a point that your son is at...where he can analyze his life and look at it as a whole and not as each moment comes to him.

Living with FAS is hard and I commend you for sharing and being so honest.

[killlashandra]

I too hope honeysuckle and angels go hand in hand. I've always thought the scent of honeysuckly reminiscent of hope. Waiting at the bus stop every day when I lived in VA I used to suck the nectar out of the flowers inhale their perfume and remember how much fun it was to be a kid. It's funny how honey suckle brings back so many childhood memories.

[Deborah]

My 13 year old daughter is a beautiful and loving child. But she too had her brain damaged by a birthmother who chose to drink. In recent years I have had a very tentative relationship with that birthmother (never met - just phone calls), and I want so much to say "Please, if you are going to have anymore children, don't drink." She has had three so far, each one learning to live with the affects of FAS.

[Childlife]

Oh, Melody... tears...

That was just heart-rending, and I hope that a young girl somewhere reads this post and makes a life changing decision.

You are a beautiful Mother and the perfect one for Lee. Praying for you to be lifted up on eagles wings and wrapped in courage while you work to be strong for both of you. You're my hero.

[arizaphale]

My heart breaks for Lee. However, he is wonderfully emotionally literate. Better to be able to speak these words of pain and doubt than silently turn them inwards. Even better that he speaks them to you.