"We are discharging him today. We have never had a child whose chemistry is as resistive to any and all medications as is his. We have never worked with a child who is completely unresponsive to all therapeutic interventions as he is. Our best wishes and prayers go with you."
As I prepare to let go of our family as we know it...I am hanging on for dear life, fists clenched in a white knuckle grip.
Heartbreak. Loss. Devastation.
What does a parent do when the doctors, therapists and medications of last resort fail?
I will never be the same.
We will never be the same.
He will never be the same.
God, how does a mother find the strength to make the decision to let go?
How will my child survive?
My mother recently told me that the best decision is not always the easiest one. Doing what is necessary to help someone [who lives with mental illness] that you love with all you have within your heart and soul can be death to your own soul. That this is worse that physical death because in the end...at some point...physical death brings resolve, eventually peace. Mental illness often finds neither.
She has lived this...the impossible decision and the death. She has hurt.
I must trust her words.
I must trust God.
Still.
I can't do it.
My beautiful child should not have to live this.
My fists are clinched in a white knuckle grip...
...not able to let go...
...not able to hold on.
~~~
Away.
