Slurping Life

Boy to Your Left

Appearances

You appear in

This world

Like a seed

Taking in the

Experiences

Of the material

Body

Which you later

Have to present

To the world

As a certificate

Of worth

But nobody

Knows the 

Certificate of the

Soul

The muscle of

The soul

Whether

Weak or strong

Has to swim

And nobody

Knows

How easy or hard

It is for you

And in your best

You are judged

And pushed

And ripped

Forgetting

How difficult

Or easy

It is for this person

In the soul

Of experiences

Not in the appearances

~~Moeze Lalji

Living Under Water

I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense.

~~Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

~~~

needing to journal

yet having no words

i borrow words

~~~

I am reading your comments and emails.

"thank you"

♥

Days of Letting Go

"We are discharging him today. We have never had a child whose chemistry is as resistive to any and all medications as is his. We have never worked with a child who is completely unresponsive to all therapeutic interventions as he is. Our best wishes and prayers go with you."

As I prepare to let go of our family as we know it...I am hanging on for dear life, fists clenched in a white knuckle grip.

Heartbreak. Loss. Devastation.

What does a parent do when the doctors, therapists and medications of last resort fail?

I will never be the same.

We will never be the same.

He will never be the same.

God, how does a mother find the strength to make the decision to let go?

How will my child survive?

My mother recently told me that the best decision is not always the easiest one. Doing what is necessary to help someone [who lives with mental illness] that you love with all you have within your heart and soul can be death to your own soul. That this is worse that physical death because in the end...at some point...physical death brings resolve, eventually peace. Mental illness often finds neither.

She has lived this...the impossible decision and the death. She has hurt.

I must trust her words.

I must trust God.

Still.

I can't do it.

My beautiful child should not have to live this.

My fists are clinched in a white knuckle grip...

...not able to let go...

...not able to hold on.

~~~

Away.

SOOC Saturday ~ All You Need is Love

Maybe not all you need,

but it is at the top of the list.

He is home.

We are adjusting to

a new Lee,

a new life schedule,

a new way of doing things

and 

new hope.

So many words I want to write here...so many emotions...so many ways I want to help other parents and children who deal with bipolar disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome/effect and other special needs.

Right now, I simply need time to breathe...

and to

hold each of my boys.

~~~

Lee is volunteering with an animal rescue group's adoption days.

I'm pretty sure he and the dogs are enjoying his being there.

~~~

SOOC Saturday...where Sunday sharing is also welcome.

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Brothers

the beach, July 2009

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.

~~ Marc Brown

...and sometimes photography with few words is my therapy

...like now.

Taking advice from a heart sister...

Be gentle on yourself. You deserve it.

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