Slurping Life

Strong Will

I will...

start living the life I've imagined

worry less and enjoy more

have a new adventure

add something beautiful to the world

leave this day better than I found it

fall in love with life all over again

.

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If I Loved You Less

 If I loved you less, I could talk about it more.

~~Jane Austin

♡

The earth spins, always.

It doesn't stop to mourn our pain or celebrate our joy...it keeps spinning.

Sadness, gladness come, go,

the earth keeps spinning.

Life begins, life ends, 

the earth keeps spinning.

You are not with me,

the earth keeps spinning.

♡

I love you with an ache more intense than the pain of labor.

I did not endure labor pains to become your mother

But I am your mother

and now

the pain.

Pain which mortifies me because 

I know that

My pain pales beside yours.

Please, please

believe that

you have strength which you've yet to find.

Search, dig, claw your way

and find your strength.

You are a capable, beautiful soul.

I know you.

You can do this.

I am your mother.

I have always loved you, and

I always will.

♡

While I know that often the best decision is the most difficult,

my struggle is accepting that the best decision was to

place my child for treatment where

no one truly loves him.

At bedtime no one hugs him and whispers "I love you".

That's for me to do,

and I'm not there.

I can't hold him.

He can't hear me.

And his bed in his home

is empty.

♡

I hold steadfastly

to faith,

to believing through my faith that

what I am doing matters,

that what I have done matters.

Without faith

I could not do this.

Without faith

I could not make him do this.

♡

I suppose the reason these words were written is

with the hope that someone will find strength among them.

I don't know;

maybe it's me searching for strength.

♡

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Lose the Inhibitions

Watching as this diverse group of women stood by waiting to go onstage and perform a belly dance, my thoughts were...

How brave and self-assured these women are...mothers, sisters, daughters, women...preparing to go onstage before hundreds of people for a belly dancing performance. 

I felt it...what they have...and I want it...

...that umph go for it spirit...that this is for me do not care what anyone else thinks spirit.

Yeah, that's it. 

It is within me...within you.

Let's go for our dreams. Lose the inhibitions. Drop the excuses.

We have what it takes to achieve our dreams...be our best

Yes, we do.

Can I get a comment high five?

Away

Tonight I saw him.

I held him for an hour as he sobbed in my embrace.

Fourteen.

He should be happy with family and friends.

Fourteen.

Laughter should fill his life.

Fourteen.

Vicarious mischief should surround him.

Fourteen.

Not the barren walls of 

a behavioral crisis intervention center

enduring

withdrawal from years of drug therapy

in order to find the real person.

Fourteen.

Fetal alcohol syndrome,

bipolar disorder

and 

none of it his doing.

Fourteen.

I want my son in my home

in my arms.

Yet

despite the unconsolable ache in my heart,

I know it is not best that he be home

now.

Fourteen.

He cried in my arms

like the baby I remember

as we rocked 

and

said our

words of

I love you.

Fourteen.

God, he is only a boy.

Hold him.

Give him peace

and

the comfort of

knowing

how much we love him.

But damn it, God,

why him?

Good. It will be good.

I believe.

Retro Soul

Days no longer meander at the oh it's never going to be [insert whatever day or event you couldn't wait for as a child] pace. Instead the sun sets and I can hardly believe another day has escaped. Left me longing for a do-over...a chance to create more sweet memories...to hug just a little longer.

I want one more glance into the yesterday eyes of my children because those eyes have today changed forever.

And I cannot shake this. The happy-go-lucky free spirit that was me has hidden away from myself. I miss her terribly. I miss her with a passion that aches. 

I see the retro soul of my son, Mac.  The guy who loves peace signs, The Beatles, VW vans and everything '60s. The guy who lives with umph and passion. The guy who has dreams and spirit. The guy who has fun being himself with no forethought let alone concern as to what anyone else thinks of it all.

I hear his infectious laughter.

Once, it was me.

I want her back.

I saw a glimpse of her today. The fun shoes, clothes and frolicking that really happened daily in my life. Really, I did those things. I wore those shoes. I was creative and spirited.

Tonight I cried for the lost me.

Somewhere between the boys' therapy sessions, the homeschool, the unimaginable stresses, the dirty laundry, the being a wife, the cooking-cleaning, the occasional night's sleep, the Special Olympics games this weekend and a zillion other responsibilities, I know she lives.

And 1.5 quarts of Breyer's Waffle Cone Overload won't bring her back.

Then I left on a journey to bring me home.

I know someone reading feels the same.

Trust your soul.

Pay attention.

Go on a journey.

And wear fun shoes along the way.

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